Dear Diary... I speak from My Heart.

[∴♪WolfurChickϗ]

(( I decided to start a little online diary here. Because I trust the people on this site, I don't have a problem with sharing my stories here. I'm doing this, because I just have to write some things down. And maybe it can make someone understand me too. There are some things I just can't keep secret anymore. ))

The HIM Factor. Oct. 26th.

It isn't an explosion of happy feelings. I'm not sure I can fully explain it, but I'll try my best.

Love... a crazy topic really. The beliefs and ideas of love have been all too often used up dry. Love is nothing but a rerun. Hollywood ran crazy with the feelings of love, even putting it into a cartoon about racing cars. What is it about love that makes people want it? What is it about love that makes people need it? And how do you truly know when it is there? How do you truly know you are making the right decision?

I don't think you really ever know... I think the real test of love, well, its the test. How far will two lovers go to keep their relationship? How long will they last even when the world is against them? True love isn't a happy emotion that makes your heart flutter. It is a trial, one that everyone goes through, whether they realize it or not. Some of us chose not to show up when our trial comes. Maybe we are too scared we will flunk, that the audience wont love us anymore, maybe we just don't want to ruin what good we already have.

But life isn't about staying in one place. Life is about progress. It always has been. Why then, when it comes to the great trial of love, do we stand around like a bunch of fools? Instead of cowering, we should be jumping up with our #2 pencils sharpened and our hearts open. But the human mind is a confusing thing, and it is easily confused.

In my life, I've always thought 'is this love?' And everytime, my mind is wrong. I believe that is our number one problem. We feel with our minds, instead of our hearts. I would meet a guy, find him a little cute, maybe even funny, and realize he is a great person to be around. I would get that fuzzy feeling, and all of a sudden, think I am in love! But I don't think that is what love is about. Honestly, while my mind was saying "look at this guy, woudn't he be great?" My heart was saying "Ew! Yuck! He isn't right for you!" Sometimes I feel that the fuzzy feeling is actually a warning from my heart to stay away.

Recently, I've grown attached to a certain guy. It is much different than any of the others. I'm not exploding with joy, or fuzzy feelings. I'm not addicted to seeing him. I don't even feel like "OMG, I miss him I need to see him NOW!" It is much different than before. I'm patient. I know it may be lengthy periods of time before I see him, and I'm ok with that, because I know that when I do get to see him, it will be that much better.

I didn't like him right away. I mean, sure he had a cute hair do, but he wasn't the guy at all I thought I would go for. It wasn't true love at first sight. But I got to know him, and as things went on, I befriended him. Then one day, it was like, my eyes just opened up, and I felt relieved. No fast beating heart, no butterflies. Just, relief and happiness. It was like my heart was saying, "Finally."

And it isn't in the way that he looks, though he isn't an ugly one, I promise you that. It is who he is. Not his looks, not his personality, not his humor, not his smile, or his voice, but everything. Every little piece of him is perfect, even his flaws. He is a perfect piece of elegant pottery, crafted masterfully from God's hands.

I always heard that opposites attract, and that those with the same things in common always end up disagreeing, but so far, I havn't seen that at all. We agree on everything. It's odd. We feel the same way about things. We would feel fear at the same time, happiness at the same time, and when the other was sad, we couldn't help but catch that too. Though, when ever I was sad, I wasn't sad for long. His voice would nearly always cheer me up, and when it didn't, his smile, his goofy laugh, and his kind hugs always brought me out of depression.

I grew up because of that. Before, I was just a child, chasing false loves and hopeless romances. Who knows, maybe this isn't even real love. But even if it isn't it has matured me so much, just understanding atleast a little. If this isn't real, true love, then I know I am getting closer to it.

You know what I really love about him? That one of his favorite shows is So You Think You Can Dance. He is so understanding of women and feelings, and is open with his emotions, and yet, he is so much man as well. I hope this doesn't sound to goofy... I'm trying to word it the best I can.

When I came back down to Florida, and I finally got the interenet and phone back, he was the first one to contact me, to tell me that he misses me. With my birthday party coming up soon, I recently found out that only two people had said yes to come to my party, my best friend, and, how did I put it before? The guy I am madly in like with. (You see, I wont say love. Even if it is, not yet. Not unless I know that he feels the same way back.)

And I don't know if he likes me back, atleast, not in the way that I like him. Ofcourse, with me, I've always thought I was cursed, and would always be just a friend. But who knows. Life isn't easily predicted, and neither is love. Right now, I'm at that phase where I'm content with where we are now. Like I said, love is patient. Maybe when the right time comes, I'll talk to him. Until then, I'll just...wait. And smile.

[∴♪WolfurChickϗ]

I MISS it all Oct. 31st

How my heart aches, and yet I can not get rid of it. The tears I cry come from deep inside, and rip at me on the way out. I wasn't going to write about it. I was just going to hide it in my heart, but it is unbearable, and I must let it out.

I was promised to see him today, and I was happy to know that. I chatted with him on the computer, but that wasn't enough. It was just words on a screen. Then he called... His voice gave me breath, it felt so good to talk to him again. He called with both "good news and bad" but I heard only bad. He sounded sincere, even upset. My heart ripped at me, and he could tell, though I don't know how, because I masked my voice quite well.

I want to see him, so much. But I also know that what can not be shall not be. Perhaps there are other reasons for me not being able to see him. Maybe it just isn't mean to be, or maybe next time, it will be that much sweeter.

I haven't been able to talk about it, even to my best friend and her open ear. But it is not something I can talk about. I've been trying to push the sadness away. I knew that there had to be a reason why...and yet, still, I could not help but to be upset.

Recently, I've been ignoring my feelings. They aren't important, what happens happens. But this time, I can't ignore it, the feeling is too strong. I've never felt this way. Sure, I've felt upset, disappointed even. This isn't the first time this has happened to me, infact, it happens all the time. I was used to it. Until now. But why? Why did I care so much?

But his voice... it felt so good to hear again. I'm not sure how to explain it... my heart felt lighter, and my breathing was softer. It was like I was calmed by his voice. But then his news... and my heart feels sad. MY brain keeps telling me to ignore it, but how can I when it is so painful I want to rip my heart out?

And maybe it just isn't meant to be. Maybe I'm not the right one for him, he does deserve someone much better than me. Or maybe we just aren't ready yet. Maybe we just aren't mature enough yet. Or maybe it is just something I don't understand yet. All I can do is pray to God and hold tight to my beliefs; love is patient, and love is about the test.

Well, I may not understand it yet, but maybe I will in due time. All I can keep saying, is God's will be done.

[∴♪WolfurChickϗ]

What a DARLING dream. Nov. 2nd

I laugh at how all my diary entries so far have been about one thing. But I write here in my diary entries what I could not explain or even begin to explain to others in my life. Things that I know very little about, understand almost nothing, and yet I have never been less confused in my life.

So this is yet another entry on something I have not been able to get out of my head, or my heart. I have never felt anything like it before. My heart has never been stronger, and it feels as if it is taking over my life. I don't mind, my heart seems smarter than my head.

So last night I had a dream. It started off in a theatre. I was on stage. We were in a musical, rehearsal I could tell, but I didn't know the blocking at all. And yet as the music started, I wasn't worried about not knowing where I was going, so I let my mind take a break, and I let my heart lead. As I turned in an effortless spin, I came face to face with him. He wasn't the one in my real life, but I don't think it was supposed to portray any certain person, only the feeling. And as I looked into his eyes, I knew it didn't matter that I didn't know how to dance in my mind.

So we danced, and though there were others on the stage, it was us two that were the stars of the show, atleast in my eyes, and nothing else mattered. I never memorized the blocking, but I took the dance as it came, and I cherished it.

Then the show was over, and I was home. I got a call from my father. His voice was panicky. He said a name, though it was blurred, and told me that there was a car accident. I ran to the scene. The one I had danced with looked broken, sadened, afraid. Nothing at all like he looked in the theatre. Then there was someone else, yelling at him, threatening to kill him.

He ran. I felt fear whell up in my heart with each step he took away from me. I knew that if I went after him, I would be indanger too, but I didn't care. I ran after him, as fast as my feet could carry me. In my mind, I just kept repeating 'please stop! I'm not like them! I wont judge you! Please don't go! Don't leave me behind!' But he kept running, and so did I.

Finally, I chased him into an old, abandoned mine. He froze and turned to me. The look in his eyes... I just wanted to help him, but he also had to help himself. In the corner of my eyes, I saw a man in the shadows. "There's a man here!" And just like that, we were running for our lives, but we were running together.

There are alot of things that happened in my dream that I don't quite remember, and so I will just skip those times. But I will mention that what I did remember, the two of us were unseperable. And the running hardly let up, but I was beginning to enjoy it.

We were walking through a crowd, talking. I asked him about his poetry, and he said he didn't do that anymore, that after doing it so often, he just felt like he was too drained to continue. I nodded and said the same thing about running. From the very beginning, I was running, running to him, and I just couldn't do it anymore. And then a smile lit my face, and I realized that wasn't true at all, that I could still run. So I laughed, and I ran forward. He heard his laugh behind me, and he was running after me, both of us pushing through a crowd. I hid behind something, and he found me, and we smiled. And we laughed.

And I knew that that was love. It was a trial, a test, but it was something more. It was love. Like I said, I don't think that he represented a certain person in my life, but instead, a feeling, or an upcoming trial. I don't know, I'm not a dream interpreter.

But all I know is that everytime I talk to him, the one in my life, I can't help but feel ecstatic. He tells me that we have to hang out soon, and I just can't wait. I wonder if he feels the same way about me? I really hope he does...

Lets not keep mumbling or obsessing. Just one more thought:: I have not stopped feeling a lightness in my heart. And I hope it never goes away.

[∴♪WolfurChickϗ]

STRONG is the FEELING in this ONE Nov. 9th

I still can't believe all my entries are about one thing, but I guess right now it is the thing that is itching my brain most.

Tonight, my feelings for him got stronger. Ok, this is really going to get lame and corny, BUT DEAL WITH IT! I'm so excited and full of energy I could BURST FROM THE SEAMS! But I'll try not to. =D

So anway, it isn't much, but here goes it.

I messaged him earlier, asking him what he wanted for his birthday, and if he could go to this Harvest Festival thing my church is doing. I waited all day at work, and the whole ride back to home! Oh it was nerve wracking. lolz, I'm so lame.

Anyway, I got on myspace and got his message back. He said I didn't have to get him anything for my birthday (which I told him YES HUH! I DOZ!) And that he would try to go to the harvest festival and I was all like yay ok.

Last time I talked to him it was about me being sad that he couldnt go to my party, and he said that he was really angry and sad too that he couldnt go and that I could even ask his mom and I was all lolz mommas boy how cute. AND THEN... oh yes, what? Oh, today.

Then I sent the message and I noticed something over to the right of the post thingy thing and it had his updates and stuff, apps he added, pics he posted, moods he changed, you know, that stuff... AND I noticed that on my birthday, he had changed his status message three times, and each one said in capital letters HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELISSA!!!And it might not have been that important to me if he didn't post anything like that in his status message for anyone else's birthday...

And then I started to think... what IF someone actually CAN like me? What IF I actually AREN'T cursed from love? What IF this guy really does at least like me back, atleast a litte?

Well, if that doesn't make me plum tuckered happy I don't know what will. ^^

Just wanted to say that. I hope things get better. I'll find out sometime... untill then, FF$HFI$#T$#GHQHFQQKAAA I'M SO EXCITED, AND I JUST CAN'T HIDE IT AND I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW!! YEAAAAA!!!

[∴♪WolfurChickϗ]

How POWERFUL and AMAZING Nov. 22nd

Finally something a little bit different than the boy who is making me go goo goo! I found somebody else. Somebody who is SO amazing. Well, I found this guy a while ago. A LONG TIME AGO. It is more like HE found me. And he never left me. The best thing, is that He loves me. More than anything I can imagine. And I love him! MAN I LOVE HIM!

Alright, first of all, the first guy I was mentioning, the guy I'm madly in like with, I'm still madly in like with. But the one I am totally in love with and will do anything for, well, he comes first. I know that now. He is God. He is Jesus Christ. He is The Holy Spirit.

I went to a party today, and yesterday, it was more like a sleepover. I mean, it WAS a sleep over, lolz. But somehow we all decided to sit down and have a bible study. All of us were christians, and we all knew that we wouldn't make it to church on sunday, so we wanted to do something like church. We expected it to last about a half hour. It started at 10pm. We go so into it man! I was SO excited! We were talking about many things in the bible, and I just never felt more excited and happy! Next thing we knew, it was 1am! It had been 3 hours!

Then today, we all decided when we woke up at 10am this morning to go to my friend's church in the evening, so we did. AND OMG! The speaker there! He was a young guy, tall with a deep voice. He was headed to college, so he was just doing the evening service for that day. Boy am I glad i showed up. When he started talking, I realized that I knew this guy! He was an old friend of mine from Elementary School!!! I hadn't seen him in YEARS! And here he was, so much more grown up, and on fire for God! It was amazing to see him after so long, and after so much had changed about him, but to hear him speak, it was amazing.

I now know I have a purpose. I'm going to get out there and let people know ABOUT THIS TOTALLY AMAZING GOD! AND HOW POWERFUL HE IS! AND HOW MUCH HE LOVES US!!!

So yes. I'm going to get off my arse and finally get out there and do this stuff. Pray for me, alright? ^^

[∴♪WolfurChickϗ]

It never FADES. Mar. 14th 2010

Wow. I first started this little "diary" in October of 2009. Most of my entries were of the same subject I noticed.. I went back and reread everything that I wrote last year, and I realized that, 5 months later, none of that has really changed.

Have I mentioned his name yet? If not, it is CJ. Christian to be exact, but we all call him CJ. I havn't talked to him in... oh geeze, two months? Two and a half? Its TORTURE! But I finally started talking to him again today. Not about much, just letting him know that we finally found a house (we have been looking to move for quite some time, now we can, though it is only twenty minutes away from the house Im living in now).

Well, and then he let me know that his girlfriend was pregnant and that he was moving to Miami with her...

and then he told me that he was joking. I wanted to slap him. Instead, I told him I was moving out of state, and he was all "Nooooo!" Lolz. I told him that that was what he gets for tricking me.

But I was so glad to talk to him again. I asked him if anything was new, and he said no, and then he told me that its been too long and that he misses me. At first, I thought that he was talking to somebody else and accidentally posted it to me.. but he WAS talking to me.

I know it may sound really lame, but it made me really happy. Just to know that he really does miss me, and that he would be upset if I moved out of state. We made a promise that when I move into the new house, he would come over. We still have presents to give each other, since October 30th, lolz. Everytime we planned on meeting up and hanging out, something would come up, like not having gas money to drive up, or being really sick, or when my grandmother died... But I really hope that next time, we don't have any excuses.

Because I REALLLLYYY miss him.

Lame, right?

But the fact that we have not talked in so long, and yet I still really care for him... that is pretty significant, right? I mean, no matter how long I wait and ignore things, I can't get him off my mind. And that makes me think... I don't want to give him up. I don't want to stop liking him.

So I'm really looking forward to the new house. We should have everything finalized by April 6th. And we will be moving in as soon as possible to get away from John, my late grandmother's husband. It'll be a new start, and maybe it'll make me stronger. Maybe I will finally be able to tell him that I kinda sorta... really like him.

We'll find out.

Stay tuned for the next entry. =D